Many people come to me because they want to change. But often their focus is on changing someone else, believing that in order to experience a state of well-being, they must first get another person to change. This makes for ongoing dissatisfaction, “controlling behavior (feeling out of control),” and blaming others (for what they are doing or not doing).
Here are some things people try to do that keeps them stuck:
Get someone to love me, so I feel lovable.
Get someone to acknowledge me, so I can feel validated.
Get someone to stop judging me, so I will feel accepted.
Get someone to listen to me, so I feel what have to say matters.
Get someone to laugh at my jokes, so I can feel validated.
Get someone to see me, so I don’t feel invisible.
Get someone to hold me, so I feel touched.
Get someone to teach me, so I don’t feel so stupid.
Get someone to care, so I can feel cared for.
Notice me, so I don’t feel alone.
Give me space, so I can be free.
Smile at me so I can be happy.
They have got it backwards.
Want to move forward
Here are some things to learn when taking responsibility
Feel lovable and you will get love.
Validate yourself and you won’t need so much acknowledgment.
Accept yourself and others’ judgments will not feel so severe.
Know that you matter and others will listen and if they don’t “it” won’t matter as much.
Spend more time around people who “see” and you won’t feel so invisible.
Be generous to others as well as yourself and be open to receiving generosity.
Recognize your wisdom and the world will be your teacher.
Care for yourself and you will be cared for.
Be free and you will create space.
I spend my time with people who are learning to take responsibility. It’s more productive and more satisfying for everyone.