My mother, Dr. Jacqueline Rose Hott, died November 24th, 2016. She was 91 years old and had lived a full life working as Dean for Adelphi Nursing School, a Pyschoanalyst and Sex Therapist. She had been working in her private practice until she died. She was mother to four, grandmother to ten and great-grandmother to four. Steven and I are fortunate to have had her in our lives as both mother and mother-in-law.
I was appointed as her professional executor and when I contacted her patients to notify them about her death, a patient told me that she had written down several sayings that she had learned from my Mom, which she and my Mom called, “Dr. Hott’s Toolbox.” I told her I would love to read them. She sent me 15, and then I shared them with my Mom’s other patients and they added more sayings to the toolbox and from 15 the toolbox grew to 48.
I have shared “Dr. Hott’s Toolbox,” with our NLP students, friends and family. I have enjoyed the responses. For example, one family member said that her brother quoted from the # 28 when someone was bothering her, he said, “ Do what Bubbie suggested, ‘if you don’t like someone, put them on a high shelf in your closet and cover the box. ” This particular saying reminds me of our NLP submodality work, which I am not surprised about because my mother had known about our NLP work since 1984 when we opened the NLP Center of NY and no doubt incorporated it into her own counseling.
Another response was from one our NLP students from Thailand. She said that she was translating the sayings into Thai but had some questions. For example, # 40, “When it says, ‘come from a place of compassion…’ what does ‘a place’ mean?” Once again as we teach in NLP, language and definitions are essential.
Another response from a friend who said he used the sayings in his men’s group and they discussed each saying, particularly, # 27, “Would your rather be happy or right?”
On a professional note, The Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR) organization will print the toolbox on their next international conference brochure as a memorial to my mother..
And lastly one of my clients created a “book” and put her photographs alongside the sayings. I am calling it an art and inspiration book and she and I plan to publish it.
So Dr. Hott’s Toolbox has gone far beyond that first conversation with her patient. And with this blog I hope that you will also find ways to share it out in the world.
Let us know what sayings inspire you and/or if you have any questions about them please contact [email protected]
Dr. Hott’s Tool Box
1. Take care of yourself first.
2. Begin to say “no.”
3. Encourage others to help themselves.
4. Ask more than tell.
5. Stay independent.
6. Don’t try to fix anyone except yourself.
7. Establish healthy boundaries.
8. In relationships include: respect, affection and empathy.
9. Old friends are very important.
10. Stay positive, self-affirm.
11. Not everyone has to love you.
12. Be honest, share feelings, but not in a mean way.
13. Be truthful.
14. You are a true survivor.
15. Can’t control anyone except ourselves.
16. Stay connected to your community.
17. Feel how lovable you are.
18..Movement is life.
19.You can’t help anyone until you make yourself well first.
20. Pedal softly.
21. Nobody likes to be criticized, you get more with honey.
22. In couple relationships re-affirm that you are not “one” but a “we”.
23. It’s only a monster. The monster cannot hurt you,
24. As a caregiver to a resistant relative; say: “Let me help you so that you can help me.”
25. Communicate and re-affirm your needs; insist politely (to Home Heath Care Aides) and say, “This is important to me, this is my parent.”
26. Don’t worry about things you can’t control
27. Would you rather be happy or right?
28. If someone in your life is irritating, put them in a box on a high shelf in your closet and cover the box.
29. Ask for what you need.
31. Let things go.
32. Don’t waste your energy being angry.
33. Do what’s right and the rewards will follow eventually.
34. When angry, think of what you like about that person.
35. Ask to give an unsolicited opinion.
36. Describe yourself…live that way.
37. Just knowing someone does not constitute friendship.
38. You often know the answers -do you want to know?
39. Pin point a great moment in your life- relive it in your mind or share it.
40. When a client complains that he “lost” his erection, I tell him, “It’s not lost, it’s just ‘misplaced’.”
41. Come from a place of love and acceptance.
42. Future is coming whether we fear it or not.
43. Tell people why you love them, frequently.
44. Keep studying to keep growing.
45. Acknowledge the good in others.
46. Never give up, be persistent.
47. Think positively.
48. Do you want to hold my hand?