How Can NLP Help with Modeling? from The NLP Center of New York on Vimeo.

The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis

I would like to highlight two processes that he discussed in his one day workshop in Arizona at the Ericksonian conference this past December 2011. Stephen emphasized becoming more in touch with one’s body, and he described this as the felt sense. He reminded the class that he does not ask his clients to do anything he wouldn’t do. The first step is to greet and chat with your client. He recommends to keep that brief. The second step is ask the client to take a moment to settle and become centered. When you help the client center, remind them of their resources including people and places where they feel safe. Stephen asked, “Who are the people who support you? Where do you go to feel safe? When it was really bad, where did you go? Who are the people who are holding you? Who are the people who allow the critic to be suspended?” The third step is to ask the client to briefly state what it is that they want. Stephen emphasized the importance of keeping the goal brief, if possible keep it close to five words, otherwise there will be a long story that in itself becomes another trance for the client and the hypnotherapist. Here is an example of a demonstration in the workshop when he asked the client what was it that they wanted as an outcome.

Stephen asks, “What are you hoping to accomplish?” “To be calm and confident when I give my presentation.” Stephen then suggests, “Relax and drop down, begin to shift more than anything else, to breathe. Now from this place, begin to connect to the place of wellbeing. Perhaps we could both recall a time of wellbeing, music, a walk, being with a loved one. So many experiences of wellbeing can begin to surface. As they surface where in your body do you feel the core, the center. Take a hand place it where you feel the center. Feel the quality of connection. That begins to open outwards, as you open outwards, take a second step. Take the positive resource people, places, experiences that really support, really can give you a nice sense of guidance. Be aware in the space around you. Where they can be?”

He then asks the client to reorient and asks what technique helped you? For example; the client said that friends are helpful resources.

After doing a brief process Stephen suggest using a scaling process. Scaling is a quantitative way to help a client label their experiences with numbers. You can ask any scale question, in this case Stephen asked, “From a 1-10 scale, how much do you believe in the goal? As you connect to the center, what number at this moment, what comes to you, just let it come, how much do you feel connected to that relaxed center.” If a person feels a “two”, utilize that as feedback. You utilize whatever they feel and help them learn to utilize it. In addition he said, “The scaling looks at your own self tracking. It is good subjective tool to teach the client. It helps them to identify the changes when you describe their “problem.” He says to the client, “What do you need to do to lift up your positive connection to center, 5, 6, 7, it doesn’t need to be a 10.”

A comment I have about scaling is that for some clients who are more cerebral, quantifying their experience is very comfortable for them and sometimes keeps them from feeling the experience. However, for the client who is immersed in his feelings, it can be helpful to ground them by developing their left hemisphere by identifying with numbers.

Another process that I found very intriguing was something Stephen referred to as the “Trance Dance of a Symptom/Goal.” Since my first graduate degree was in dance/movement therapy I was intrigued as to how he would put movement into his therapeutic explorations.

Stephen explained that the use of the trance dance of a symptom or goal was utilized when he hears the client say, “I want X, but Y interferes.” Basically he is describing when a client is in conflict with them self. The demonstration in the workshop was with a client who wanted to spend more time with his girlfriend but he was working all the time and didn’t have time for their relationship.

Stephen spoke about creating a communication, like music between the two parts. He suggested that a part may be seen as a problem rather than a resource because it is not being seen for its “music.” In this case, “music” is the positive intention. He explores with the demonstration client what could be the positive intention of each part. When he explores he is very respectful to the parts that show up. He speaks to each part and he literally welcomes each part. He asks the demonstration client, “How much do you want X?” Then he tells the group, “Whenever someone touches something interesting, say, I see that, that is interesting. Let’s stay with that for a few minutes. I would like to say to that part of you, “Welcome.” Then Stephen also welcomes the “workaholic” and says, “I am sure what you are doing has tremendous integrity.” Stephen again tells the group, “Whatever gets touched, you say welcome to it.”

Now he begins the movement experience by asking the demonstration client to
identify the somatic models for each side. Soma refers to the body. He speaks to the “workaholic” side first and asks him to step into a posture and movement that would represent the “workaholic.” Stephen sees the symptom as an attempt to create something meaningful and wants to create positive conditions, which begins with the centering, slow repetition of the movement of the “workaholic.” He then asks about representing the other somatic model, the positive connection with the demonstration client’s “romantic self,” the part of him that valued spending time with his girlfriend. Stephen encourages the demonstration client to not just do the posture, but also the movement. He explains that his goal is to strip away the verbal explanations and get down to the archetypal body movement.

He then asks the unconscious to teach the client what his body is teaching him. Here is a sampling of what he said to the client while the client was in trance. “Your unconscious is trying to teach you something meaningful. First practice and then we will do it again. Settle in, settle down, your unconscious is trying to teach you something, something creative, create a place of honor, learning, so you can receive and creatively live. When you are ready, very, very slowly do movement. Start with either part, almost like a hand levitation, you don’t have a to go into a traditional trance, just a learning space. Consciously moving, and then every other second unconsciously, back and forth, breathe through your spine. Find the other movement. There are so many experiences flowing into new ways of working. There are new understandings, allowing basic connection between the two sides, breathing. Every man and every woman can enjoy and establish a place of comfort. Life is calling you forward. Take a few moments to complete that. So what did you experience there?”

While Stephen was speaking the demonstration client was moving both of his arms in small graceful movements. The exercise is designed to go back and forth from each side. The exploration leads to a sense of wholeness. There is no discussion about what the demonstration client will do, but there is a feeling of integration from the process. Ultimately the goal, which Stephen said was critical to the Ericksonian tradition was to create acceptance and engagement with whatever shows up in the clients experience. This was apparent in the demonstration.

The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis

Recently I came across an article in the Psychotherapy Networker magazine (www.psychotherapynetworker.org) by Terrence Real titled, A Matter of Choice. He highlighted a story about a married couple where they both thought they were right. That was a familiar scenario from my clients to my own personal life. Real asked the question, “What is more important to you, to be right or to be married?” I liked this because it forced the client to pay attention to criteria and puts their righteousness in perspective.

What was even more helpful was a simple formula to help when you begin to notice yourself becoming critical, argumentative, nagging or self-righteous. If you do start to get caught in any of these states first pause, then breath, then think and then choose. I find this a simple process that is easy to remember and practice. Also I like how it integrates both the mind and the body. When you pause you are becoming aware and are using your cerebral cortex, the executive center of your brain. Then when you breath you are engaging your body by stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system which will reduce your stress and make you more available to actually for the next step. The next step is to think, which again engages the cerebral cortex and now you have the peace of mind to think about what you are going to say in an appropriate way. Lastly you choose, which I believe is the linkage of the mind and body, in a harmonious way to be resourceful in your choice of managing whatever the situation entails.

Perhaps it takes two is not only about the people involved, but your relationship with your mind and body to enhance your communication with all people.

Suggestion: Practice; Pause-Breath-Think-Choose

The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis

This is not the first NLP app, but it is the first NLP trainer we know who has created one. Shelle Rose Sharvet, www.weongozi.com, has created an app called, Husband Motivator. It is based on the meta programming patterns, specifically the motivation patterns. In this app you determine who it is you want to motivate. It can be for your partner, but it can also be for yourself. There are several categories to choose from, for example; doing chores, leisure activities, grocery shopping, etc. You then answer four questions and the app gives you suggestions on the best way to motivate. This is an excellent way to practice your meta program patterns as well as getting yourself to do something. Let us know what you think.

The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis

Two NLP highlights from the conference were Steve Andreas’ presentation on “Regret; A Matter of Balance” and Robert and Deborah Dilts’ titled Working with Archetypal Solutions.

Steve Andreas offered several suggestions of how to work with your self when dealing with regret. He explained that there was a distinction between regret and guilt. In this situation, regret was an opportunity for a person to act upon and it has to do with the self. Guilt was more about something that occurred with another person. When you think of regret you can think of something you did or didn’t do. The exercise is not about getting you to no longer regret something but to find a way to take the sting out of the memory. That is why he named the presentation Regret: A Matter of Balance.

He called his first technique the Perspective Pattern. Basically think of something you regret. Notice if it is something you did or didn’t do. Once you have identified this category, place that regret memory to the side. Steve literally moved his hand to the side as if you were placing the regret memory off to your right or left. Now think of at least six examples of something you did or didn’t do that you are fine with. If you had selected a regret that is based on something you did do, then think of six examples of something that you did do that you feel fine with or vice versa.

In the demonstration some participants ask Steve if they should discuss the examples and he said that he prefers to have the structure of the experience rather than the content. So for this process see what it would be like to identify six examples of something you did do (didn’t do) that you are fine with. Find a visual symbol for each one and imagine placing them in a circle in front of you. Then bring the original memory, the one you had placed to the side into the center and notice what that original memory is like now.

The next pattern is called Corrective Action. Think about the thing you regret and ask yourself what corrective action could you take now? In this situation it is about taking action and making a commitment to your self about doing something different. If you cannot take corrective action for the past then be aware of what is happening in the present and future so that you will learn.

The next pattern follows corrective action and is called Learning. Ask your self what have you learned from the decision you did or did not do. As you discover what you learn from this experience you use the learning as a reminded of the NLP Presupposition that there is no failure only feedback.

If you want to read more about Steve Andreas’ discussion about regret you can go to his website. His book Transforming Yourself will also have a discussion about regret in the appendix. He also mentioned the book, How We Know What it Isn’t So by Tom Gilovitch as an excellent resource book.

The other NLP presentation was by Robert and Deborah Dilts. It was titled; Working with Archetypal Solutions. They did a demonstration, but then led the large group through the process as well. If you are guiding someone they say to make sure you get into a coach state which, which includes being centered, open, aware and connected. They encouraged standing up for this process because they believe that it is essential for the body to be involved in the integration of the experience.The exercise was basically to set up three steps. This is based on a Virginia Satir exercise. The first step-How do you feel? Anger, Fear, Sadness (The exercise is designed for a non resourceful state, but if you want you can try it with a resourceful feeling as well). The second step-How do you feel about feeling that way? (Welcome that feeling)The third step-What resource do you need to hold the feelings (welcome, state of centered, openness)? Just let it come to you.

Basically you begin in step one and then walk backwards to step two and then backwards to step three. Once you are in step three, really let the resource come to you. Rather than consciously deciding on what resource you want, trust the unconscious and just let a resource emerge. Once a resource has come to you, walk forward into step two and feel what it is like when you bring that resource into that state, now move into step one also bringing that resource. Let your self find a physical movement, some way to bring that it into step two and then take that into step one. The physical movement is like an anchor and a way to incorporate the resource more deeply. Notice how you feel differently than when you began the process.

In our Level I practitioner training we do something similar to this technique called Stuck-Meta-Resource. We have found this technique to be quite helpful for our clients and students.

The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis

I have been a beginner, advance beginner skier for almost 35 years. When I first went skiing at age 19, the teachers were convinced that I was already at intermediate level. I always attributed that to the way I stood straight and confident. It was at the mogul moment that they discovered that just because I looked the part didn’t mean I could play the part. I went back to skiing 18 years later.

In our NLP training we do a lot of visualizing. We call this future pacing where we think about how we want to be and then have the mind and body walk through the process.  Although we can think about how we want to be there is the actual moment that is the test.

My most recent skiing test was in the Swiss alps in Zermatt. Zermatt is home to the Matterhorn a mountain that is over 14, 000 feet above sea level. Zermatt is a welcoming wonderland that looks like Christmas every day. There are no cars, horse drawn carriages clip clop through the streets, children are pulled on sleds and the Matterhorn looms in the background, always a focal point.

Although my husband tells the teacher she is a better skier than she, I knew that I was thinking I was good, but it was my body that was feeling something different. However my mind wanted to take on the mountain. I was ready to give it my best shot on the beginner slopes (the blue slopes) and even was considering the next level, which seems to be anything after beginner, (the red slopes). I was clear that I was not going down any advanced slopes.

There were six days of skiing to be had. On Day 1 we had a delightful teacher who introduced us to the mountain. I managed with my mind and body to do okay. I re-found my snow plow (looks like a slice of pizza) and made it down three times following his instructions to traverse as best as I could. This was the first time I was skiing in 5 years. My ski experience has been spotty so although I began at 19, I probably have skied about 10 times in my life for long weekends.

However, I do exercise and I have a dance background so I feel that my body is strong and capable. Even so I was going down, and literally down, the wipe outs were a total of five that day. When I did fall, there was no discomfort only a sudden realization that I was down and the challenge of getting back up. When there is a teacher to help me get back up I know that it will be easier then if I were alone. So I said, “How do I do this when I am alone?” He showed me and I was thrilled that I was able to get up. Sometimes doing something on my own is the greatest reward. Yet even with falling, getting up and managing to ski, my body still tensed. My mind was at ease but my body held onto fear.

On this first day the teacher mentioned a red slope and thought that I could handle it. We had plans to eat at a lodge and actually the red slope would get us there faster than taking a train. I was beating the mountain and I said, “Let’s do it.” I am glad I said it, but now thinking back it was my mind not my body that was ready to take on a more advanced slope. When we go to the steepest part of the mountain the teacher looked at me and explained that the only way to take this run was to fast. In order to go down and then up I was going to have to go parallel, no snow plow. Each of my family went first, then I went. Wow, I never went so fast. I was in the fear mode and feeling myself doing it, I did not wipe out. As soon as I got to the top I said, “I never want to do that again.”

My daughter said, “Mom you work with clients about phobias so why are you having a problem?” I explained that this was not a phobia. If it had been a phobia I would have not been able to ski at all, I would have taken off my skiis, this was me dealing with what I want and don’t want. My mind may say one thing, but my body was leading the way. Even though I didn’t fall, it was the speed that I did not enjoy.

I was ready to take on the mountain and day 2 provided another challenge as it was snowing and the winds were about 30 miles per hour. I had a teacher and I told her that I couldn’t see anything, she said, “Can you see me?”  Actually that was all I could see. We skied and I was beginning to feel my body begin to relax as I was getting familiar with the mountain. I had already fallen the other day so I knew I could handle it. I had already made it clear I was not going to challenge myself on the steep red slopes so I was doing better. That is how day 3 followed as well. It is no surprise that with practice comes more confidence. I was still aware of my body tightening, but I was becoming more comfortable skiing the mountain. Because my family is more advanced than me, I was also preparing to ski by myself and I wanted to feel comfortable with the blue slopes. I was happy being a beginner.

We all decided that it would be fun to go to a new side of the mountain, closer to the Matterhorn peak. I checked with my teacher to make sure there was a beginner slope and she said yes, however there was a T-bar instead of a chair lift. A T-bar is a lift that looks like an upside down letter T. You sit on the horizontal bar and hold on to the vertical bar. It also happens to be the longest T-bar in the world. When I first began skiing as an adult I had to overcome my fear of the chair lift. I did a lot of NLP anchoring by creating confidence and it was a great achievement to feel able to get on and off chair lifts. T-bars were something I did not know. Thus far on this vacation I had managed the mountain, but it was the T-bar that would be my next hurdle.

My mind was very positive and there went my body getting tight again. I went on the T-bar with my teacher and talked it through, went down the slope and felt fine about the slope and distressed about the T-bar. Then I went on the T-bar with my husband, and again felt my body tensing. Interestingly that during the T-bar ride with my tightness, we had a momentary discussion about our NLP book title and I believe for a second I must have felt better since I came up with a title that I had been struggling to come up with. I got off the T-bar fine and unfortunately he took a tumble. The T-bar stopped, he got back on his feet and then skiing down the mountain was fine again.

Now I am on my own. I am preparing to take the T-bar. There is a long line and I have time to mentally prepare myself. I watch as a man who is disabled is placed with his special chair that has one ski under it on the T-bar. I know if he can do it I sure can do it. I become concerned about going on the T-bar with a stranger and then see that there are many singles going up the mountain. All of my thoughts become positive. I can do this. I am on the T-bar and I am going up the mountain. My body is relatively relaxed, I am aware that I am doing this and then I wipe out.

I don’t know what exactly happened, my husband thinks that the two skis must have overlapped. Whatever happened I remember seeing the T-bar swinging over my head and I was able to duck. The T-bar didn’t have to stop, and in some funny way I thought that was a success. I was on my side on a mountain as the rest of the world was going up on a T-bar to go down on their skis. I shouted to someone what should I do and they suggested skiing from where I was. No I thought it was too narrow and too steep. I knew my limitations. I thought about standing up and then decided that there was nothing wrong with taking off my skis. Then and there I carried my skis down past all of the T-bar going up.

I beat the mountain. I did not beat the T-bar. I decided that I had skied enough. My skiing was a challenge, it was not particularly fun. I had challenged myself for four days. I had two days left and I was looking forward to working on my NLP book. I liked the idea of sitting at a mountain lodge and writing. To me that was fun.

I checked in with myself about fear, regret and criteria. Was there anything I would regret about not skiing for the rest of the vacation? I thought that what was most important to me was safety and if I was going to be skiing alone. which was most likely because my family was more advanced than I, that I would probably fall again, T-bar or no T-bar, and it was not a safe plan to ski alone. I also decided that I had taken on the mountain. I actually beat the mountain. It was just the T-bar that beat me. I had had enough. I skied enough for my beginner body.

So now I reflect back and think about what my mind wants and what my body delivered. Yes with practice I believe I will get better. I don’t particularly want to get better. I like the beginner slopes and finding ways to enjoy the slow traversing that will give me a state of relaxation. I will leave the speed to the rest of the world.

The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis

Overall the feedback I got about the presentation was excellent, however the remarks  about remembering names were outstanding. I hadn’t even remembered everyone’s name, yet the impression was that I knew everyone.

I like learning people’s names. I think it is important. At our free NLP and Hypnosis previews I have created a goal for myself to learn people’s names. Limiting these group to about 30 people makes the task more achievable. Once our evening begins I introduce myself and then I go around the room and introduce everyone by first name. The participants are very impressed when I have said everyone’s names and I am often asked if this is an NLP trick and will I teach how to remember names in our NLP training.

Steve Andreas, (early NLP developer) had taught me that when it comes to self-concept, people always know their names. Unless you have amnesia you don’t forget your name. Even if you say, “I am not good with names,” you still remember your own name. We have heard our names since birth, and we know if we are called by our names with the middle and last included that we may be headed for trouble. So the power of our names is important for our identity.

Hearing your name said to you begins the experience of being known. This is the first step to building rapport, to creating relationships. If you forget someone’s name it is absolutely okay to ask again and again. Of course remember to say your name repeatedly to someone because they will need to be reminded too.

Here is my name remembering technique.  If it works for you let me know. If you have your own technique please share it with us at info@nlptraining.com.

Rachel’s Remember Name Technique;

1. Make an internal intention statement; “I want to learn this person’s name.” (This works for one person or meeting a group of people).

2.  When saying hello, introduce your self, and then ask for their name.

3.  Listen and repeat the name looking directly at them, make eye contact. At that moment create any association that fits. Take on the belief that you already know this person and of course you would know their name because you already met them.

4.  If you am not familiar with their name ask them to say it again, and spell it out.Then say it out- loud at least three times to verify that you have gotten it correctly.

5.  When you are meeting people in a group, review by scanning the group and saying the names internally. If you don’t know someone’s name that you have already met go back and ask them again. Tell them that you are in the process of learning their name.

6.  Some people find it useful to visualize the spelling of the name either on person’s forehead, floating above their head or on a name tag attached to their body.

7.  Test your knowledge by saying hello to the group and introduce everyone.

8.  A more challenging test is to ask everyone to move to another part of the room to force your self to learn their names without being dependent upon their location.

The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis

So what is NLP, really?* That is typically the question that most people ask when coming to a preview or during a presentation. Any verbal answer alone will not be a complete answer. Words are not experience; they are representations of experience, so whatever you read here is still only a representation, at best. This can be summed up in one of the NLP Basic Presuppositions; “The Map is Not the Territory.” Any verbal or written description of NLP is just a digital representation of an experience, just as the menu is not the meal and that any map, google or otherwise, is a representation of the land that you will travel.

We will share our map of NLP with you. We hope that you will be intrigued and want to explore the territory.

Neuro Linguist Programming (NLP) is a communication system that is designed to influence thoughts, behaviors and feelings. We use our neurology to think and create our own reality. We use our language to express as well as to represent our thoughts. We are programmed, like a computer, with our hardware, yet we have a lot of software that can be changed and upgraded. And some of us have not upgraded in awhile.

When the developers were exploring these concepts the time period was 1975. At that time computers were large and not user friendly. Now 35 years later, thanks to people like Steve Jobs, our computers are part of our daily life. In the NLP system we are working with creating simple accessible tools to make fine adjustments in our neurology, language and programming to fulfill our potential. Our thoughts, movements and sensations can be reprogramming. They are patterns. By recognizing the patterns we have and identifying the patterns we prefer, we can begin to activate the inner resources necessary to make the changes in ourselves and facilitate these changes in others.

Another definition for NLP is that it is the study of our subjective experience. Our subjective experience is made up of our five senses; Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic Olfactory and Gustatory, what we see, what we hear, how we move, how we feel, smell and taste. In the NLP model we use Kinesthetic to embody not only sensations, but to describe actions as well as emotions. Each one of us will interpret and represent our reality based on our subjective experience. It is the job of the NLP Coach/Practitioner (Master Practitioner) to identify the uniqueness of our maps so we can “understand” and influence another person’s reality as well as our own.

Some people attempt to change the world, while keeping their maps the same. We look at changing our maps, so that we can more effectively and profoundly influence the world. The skills and tools you will learn in our NLP Training will not only help get you to where you want to be, but will make your journey much more enjoyable and fun.

Our alternative definition is that NLP means “Now Let’s Play” (copyright 2010).

The three live presentations; TV, radio and a gathering of ICF members, all went well. Overall the goal was to give listeners and participants a taste of NLP.

Unfortunately, many people have been “sold” the idea that you can learn NLP without actually being in the presence of and interacting with other human beings. If in the future, we find our selves living in a world where we no longer get to interact with people, then this idea may is fine. Until then, being part of a non-virtual community where you get to try on and practice new ways of thinking, feeling and moving in a safe and supportive environment and getting feedback along the way is essential.

That is what we provide.

*Please note our full working definition for NLP and more will be in our upcoming book Hott Leeds on Getting NLP: Communicate Boldly, Live Fully. If you are interested in the book please e-mail us and we will notify you upon publication.

The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis

I interviewed Susan Reimer-Torn on December 4, 2009 about her sleep strategies. Susan is the CEO of scentientbeings.com. She is a certified coach trained in hypnosis who works with individuals to help them make lifestyle changes that impact health. She has been working with an aromatherapist to create special scented blends to help individuals sleep well. She has created many strategies for herself because in the past there were times when she did not sleep well. However, she views herself as someone who has always enjoyed sleeping and believes that, “A good life is a sleep friendly life.”

On an ideal evening she will be getting ready for sleep at about 9:30pm. Her transition to sleep may take about two hours. As she transitions for sleep she creates several rituals. She becomes aware of drawing a limit for wakefulness, and is very conscious about choosing stimulating experiences. She will limit her phone conversations, stop e-mail, and will not watch any action movies. Earlier in the day she may have had caffeine, but will stop at 1-2pm. If her husband wants to talk about something that is too stimulating she will say, “Not, now, tomorrow.” She has shared with him that when she is getting ready to sleep that she needs to do something that will help her sleep, and he understands and respects her request. Anything that requires active cognitive decision making she will do the next day, during her awake time.

Here are some of the things she will do as she transitions for sleep. The word “transition” is one of Susan’s key words and she really experiences the transition as a formal process. She will do some relaxing yoga, do a specific focused breathing which includes inhale for 4 counts, holding the breath for 7 counts, and exhaling for 8 counts, reading a pleasant book, listen to music, lovemaking, which she says is a very nice way to help going to sleep, and taking a bath (this is her favorite option).

One of her first steps is managing her sleep environment. She will get rid of outside light by covering her eyes with a makeshift eye pillow. It is basically a legging that is lightly drawn over her eyes. Her eye pillow will also have one of her special blends designed specifically for sleep. She may also use ear plugs to cut out any distracting sounds. She does her best to go to sleep before midnight. She said that, “coming to bed is like coming home.” She also likes to keep her body cool, and keep water nearby. She will sleep on her left side on the left side of the bed. As she is falling asleep she tells herself, “Let go, you can trust, you can go to dreamland, you are exploring.”

Sometimes Susan is aware of a part of her that she refers to as her “agitated mind-the rouser.” She will intentionally have a conversation with this part and referred to the NLP technique, “The 6 Step Reframe” as a model for how she communicates with this part. She said that she asks the rouser, “ What is it that you want?” The rouser will say, “ I want you to be on top of things.” Susan then replies, “I want to be on top of things and I do better when I have a better sleep.” Susan then explained to me, “So we work it out.”

Sleep is important to Susan because it is how she functions. She stated that she holds onto the right to self-regulate and she does this with her sleep patterns. She says that she has two experiences, if she has an 8 hour sleep or hasn’t had a good sleep. She really likes to get an 8 hours sleep, 7 is okay, but if it is 6 she will have to make it up the next evening with 8 hours. She explained “I believe in sleep, like I believe in the unconscious. I need sleep to be who I am. I get a lot out of sleep, which includes wisdom and dreams. I trust the unconscious and enjoy letting go of waking life and entering into sleeping life.” One time she woke up and told her husband in an exasperated tone, “ I wasted my dream time, I dreamt we went to Zabars (a popular NYC grocery).” She values dreams as a special time and wants to be taken somewhere where she hasn’t been.

If Susan wakes up during the night she will do her best to remain in a sleeping mode. She will use the bathroom without turning on the light and when she goes back to bed she tells herself, “you are safe, let’s return to your dreams, just go there.” If she is feeling agitated and is aware of the rouser mind, she will say, “Hi, I know you are here.” She will continue to act as if she is in a dream because she believes in the waking dream, and that will help her fall back to sleep. If she has any difficulty, she may take valerian or melatonin, which are natural supplements.

When she wakes us she wakes up naturally. She does not use an alarm clock. If she has to get up early she gives herself a suggestion to wake up at the time that she wants to get up. Sometimes she will do some breathing to help her get ready to get out of bed. She described the breath which is a long inhale for 8 counts, holds the breath for 7 counts and then exhales for 4 counts. Once she gets out of bed she will do a meditative style of yoga for 20 minutes.

If she naps she will tell herself what time she wants to get up. She often takes naps because she needs to shut down from the over stimulation in the world. The nap helps her refuel. She considers herself to be an introvert and has learned to be an extrovert, but actually gets depleted when she is with other people and uses the nap to get back in touch with herself.

When she travels she will use her imagination to help her create the room to be a “safe room.” It is important that she is caretaking for herself, and she knows she can’t be fussy when she travels, so she uses a tremendous amount of imagination.

Lastly, she uses sleep as a way to be “intimate with myself.” Sleep is where she gets in touch with what matters most to her. She says it feels like she is in a “core state, of OKness,” which is a delightful place for her to be in both her sleep and wakeful lives.

The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis

During my entire NLP ( Neuro linguistic programming) training, I have heard two consistent complaints,”NLP is too technological” and “NLP does not have enough heart.” The first statement contains the presupposition that technology is wrong/bad. The latter statement presupposes that NLP is cold and that heart is necessary for change. I agree that both the technological and heart exist in the NLP model; however, I disagree with those underlying presuppositions.

The advancement of our civilization could not have occurred without technological know how. It is a compliment for NLP to be considered technological, if its “complex equivalence” is precision and exactness. The absence of “heart” in any system would be a dismal experience, one could say even disheartening. The sort by other pattern could not exist in a model that does not have heart. My premise is that both the technological and heart aspects actually support the power of NLP.

Since my practitioner year, I have -learned many techniques. At times I have been overtly technical in my processes. Other times, I have learned a technique and while practicing it gotten more involved in the person than the steps of the exercise. Now, as a trainer, I have given myself the task to work towards a balance between the technical and the heart.

When striving for balance, I recognize that both aspects contain useful and abusive characteristics. The uses of technical are demonstrated in the NLP techniques. To be able to perform any NLP technique a substantial amount of skills needs to be acquired. These skills encompass matching non-verbals and verbals, identifying eye accessing cues, predicates, criteria, meta-model challenges, metaprogram patterns, specific questioning styles, knowing the steps of the techniques, etc.

For example, when doing the swish technique, the programmer must know whether the client is associated and dissociated appropriately, be able to use submodalities, and increase the speed of the swish. The accuracy and preciseness of a programmer is related to their technical skills. The misuse of these skills is when they do a technique and that is all they do. They only know how to “do” a technique “on” or “to” someone.

After an interaction with a technician there is a lingering feeling that you were just “done to.” Once, during a break in a workshop, a participant came up to me and as we began to speak she asked if I was doing a technique. Consciously I wasn’t and answered no. This question made me realize that I was coming across as a technician. What that meant was that I was being too deliberate with my rapport skills. I stopped being deliberate and let my unconscious take care of matching. When NLPers first learn the techniques, it is more difficult for them to let their unconscious take over because their conscious minds are very involved in the steps. This learning phase can appear to be technician -like.

The usefulness of responding in a heartfelt way is to keep the programmer other oriented. The two pieces of NLP that incorporate the heart are the sort by other and sort by people metaprogram patterns. No matter how much you sort by other, if you are sorting by self or simply “doing” a technique the client will have a feeling that something is not right. In addition, if you believe that the person is important and comes before the information and the steps of the processes, a greater rapport will develop. When I put my skills on automatic in the previously mentioned situation deeper rapport was attained.

The workshop participant then confident that she was going through family problems and was having difficulty concentrating in the workshop. I taught her a self anchor with an auditory component for resourcefulness. This example illustrates how I was able to balance being other-oriented and teach a technique simultaneously. An example of misuse would have been if as she spoke I remained other oriented the entire time without any direction. The temptation to completely empathize and only empathize with someone is enticing. First, you do not have to take the lead and secondly, you believe you are sorting by other and person. The problem may be that the person really needs something more than understanding.

Achieving the balance between the technological and heart is an art. Many NLPers have already attained this art form. As in art, there are a variety of schools, styles, preferences, etc. Therefore, I do not claim to be able to identify a technician, heartfelt or balanced NLPer. However, I do believe that these aspects are important for each practitioner, master practitioner, and trainer to examine throughout their professional and personal lives. For me, the best of all possible modelsof the world is to blend the two.

Originally appeared in Anchor Point Magazine. Used by permission.

The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis